I was recently on the bus starring at a toddler but not in a bad way. The truth was I was still mortal drunk after a night on the town with the Strawberry staff and I was trying to focus on something, anything that would stop me from thinking about the Vodka reservoir that had became my stomach..
My attention was snapped away from the kid, my phone was going.. I picked it up to find my very good friend and life mentor Mike Hill on the other end. Mike put a question to me, ' Had I ever taken a dump in the sea?'. I was finding it hard enough to concentrate and I was quickly thrown off by the question. The first thing I thought was, Had mike just taken a dump in the Sea and wanted validation that he was not perverted?
Mike likes poo, hell I like poo.. The questions continued, had I shat in a lake? a Puddle? I gave in and said I had once dropped my guts into a sink. I felt cheap as a sink is easy and my good friend is shitting in the Sea, shitting on the Queen's Sea life, he had certainly raised the bar. I felt it was a duty to stand up and be counted.
Mike is a Hue Heffner of the poo world and I like to think myself as a Scientist of bowel dumping. I started thinking of the Sea and how I could out do my Mentors Sea dumping.
I was watching the Discovery channel and heard the Sea described 'as a massive Carbon sink'. It may not mean anything to you yet but its the center piece of my action plan.
The beauty about Carbon is that it keeps things looking good and most importantly in one piece. Everything has Carbon in but it, especially poo. What am I going on about? Well, in a nutshell im hoping to create a pure carbon dump that will one day change history.
The basic plan is to hammer a diet of pure meat and eggs, these ingredients mixed with my stomach acid should produce a near perfect carbon poo.. The only other thing on this earth with as much carbon as my turd's are diamonds... That’s right, I’m creating a diamond poo..
The diet part is easy, here is the tricky bit: The average depth of the Sea is about 4000m (2 1/2 miles). The turd will only keep in mint condition if I can get it to settle on the floor of the ocean, the oceans floor is a minefield of Carbon and will keep my turd looking glorious.
I have done the maths and even with a 2kg poo the little shit will take about 20 minutes to reach its target.
I had not taken into consideration that about 25% of my turd will be eaten on its way to the bottom of the sea, therefore to counteract this I am now eating 8kg's of Steak a day along with 15 eggs.
Once the poo has been deployed I will be suiting up in a wet suit and following my diamond down for the first couple of hundred feet, and Yes I will be armed with a harpoon in case any one has any ideas...
To be continued...
To be continued...