The Strawberry Pub

5:1

 

Charity Football and Race Night

Just a quick one to say thanks to the 70+ regulars who took part in the charity football as well as everyone who came down for the race night.

On the day we raised a little over £4800 which moves our running British Heart Foundation total over the last few years to a whopping 25k+...

Pictured below are the winning charity football team 'England' managed by George.

23 Pub Club

The first rule of 23 pub club is that you do not talk about 23 pub club, the second rule of 23 pub club is that you do not talk about 23 pub club.....

Due to the immense laughs we have during our pub club jaunts we have revised the rules, the big change is that we now talk about 23 pub club!

How’s it work I hear you say?

Well, we meet in the Berry at 6pm on April the 23rd. We then go to 22 other pubs over the night and have a drink in each.

Drinks are normally a minimum of a spirit and mixer / Pint / Wine or Bottle but you can drink whatever you like.

If your still standing at the end of the pub club you are most welcome to join us for a curry at one of our favourite establishments in the big market.

I will be sending out more information nearer the date so make sure to visit us.

Fluff, the way to beat the credit crunch...

Fluff is a great and underestimated word, Four letters yet a millions answers....

Throughout my life I have mainly been concentrating on Belly Button Fluff. This glorious tasty fluff has been around since the dinosaur’s and some believe it is as more powerful than the pen and the sword put together!

Below are my Three top tips on how to use Belly Button Fluff to beat the credit crunch:

1. Need to insulate your house? Ask your Ten closest friends to collect their Belly Button Fluff for a week, then in week Two do the same but ask your Ten closest friends to ask their Ten closest friends to do the same, and so on continue for 4 weeks.

By the end of week Four you will of had nearly 10,000 people collecting their belly fluff for you. This is enough to do half the roof, simply spray with Fabreeze, lick and put into place. If your fluff is the standard 270mm Depth you will save about £205 a year, since you only have enough to do half thats still over £100.

You only have half a roof done, and yes you will loose loads of energy and cause upwards of a tonne in carbon emissions but you still save over £100, that’s 200 Kinder Egg's.

2. Clothes for little one's. Old people love to Knit, its stop them thinking about when they will die, this lack of faith in religion is your loop hole to saving money. So what do you do? Ask your Ten closest friends to collect their Belly Button Fluff for a week, then in week Two do the same but ask your Ten closest friends to ask their Ten closest friends to do the same, and so on continue for 4 weeks. Make sure to ask friends with different taste sin fashion, this will allow for a wider variety of new clothes to be made by the old wife’s. Old people love different colours, it reminds them of before the war.

Now you have nearly 2kg's of fluff. Remember there is no need to wash this stuff, just fabreeze it and it will be fine. There is no need to spin it either, the old women will do this for you. You need to get the fluff in there, to do this find or buy a young boy. Advise him to look lost and send him in to the knitting club.

Old people love young people as they see it as an opportunity to steal their youth from them. When the old women flock round the child swap our the professionally yarned knitting wool with the belly fluff you have collected. Regardless of what your thinking at this point, stick to the plan and destroy the proper knitting wool.

You will need to get the boy out of there, a plan is to tie some thick rope around the lads waist and pull him out. If the old women are wise and have taken the rope form the boy then best forget he ever existed as you wont get him back.

The final part of the plan is to break in knitting club around 3am when the wife’s are asleep, you will find up to between 4-6 newly knitted belly fluff fleece’s in various sizes. A fleece of this size could market for upwards of £6 so depending on how much you paid for the boy a potential saving of over £35.

3. Benefit thief? If so belly fluff is your answer... Ever thought about looking pregnant to gain extra benefits? I know I have. The key is to make the fluff baby look as real as possible, here is how yo do it. Ask your Ten closest friends to collect their Belly Button Fluff for a week, then in week Two do the same but ask your Ten closest friends to ask their Ten closest friends to do the same, and so on continue for 4 weeks.

After four week's you will have about 2kg's of the fluff, make sure not to Febreeze it this time. Wash the fluff and then let it dry. Once dry cover it in a mix of Barbecue sauce, flour and Mustard. Once the mix had adhered to the fluff try and make the shape of a unborn baby out of it. I find it easy to make the arms and legs separate to the head and body.

Once you have made all the body parts tie it all together with some red liquorice lace. The next part sounds difficult but with plenty of lubricant it can be done. No cover the fluff baby is lube and force it down your throat. Once settled you will notice your stomach has grown much larger, now go to the doctor and tell him you think your pregnant.

He will notice the signs of your enlarged belly and also the smell of sick form when you threw up trying to force the baby head into your mouth. He will then send you to have a scan, this is the clever bit. Not a lot of people know that fluff has the same consistency as an unborn child. Even to the highly eye of the nurse your fluff baby will look real.

Now get yourself down the social and get your money.

Using simple tips like these you could dramatically change your lifestyle.

BD

Doing my bit for Climate Change

I was recently on the bus starring at a toddler but not in a bad way. The truth was I was still mortal drunk after a night on the town with the Strawberry staff and I was trying to focus on something, anything that would stop me from thinking about the Vodka reservoir that had became my stomach..

My attention was snapped away from the kid, my phone was going.. I picked it up to find my very good friend and life mentor Mike Hill on the other end. Mike put a question to me, ' Had I ever taken a dump in the sea?'. I was finding it hard enough to concentrate and I was quickly thrown off by the question. The first thing I thought was, Had mike just taken a dump in the Sea and wanted validation that he was not perverted?

Mike likes poo, hell I like poo.. The questions continued, had I shat in a lake? a Puddle? I gave in and said I had once dropped my guts into a sink.  I felt cheap as a sink is easy and my good friend is shitting in the Sea, shitting on the Queen's Sea life, he had certainly raised the bar. I felt it was a duty to stand up and be counted.

Mike is a Hue Heffner of the poo world and I like to think myself as a Scientist of bowel dumping. I started thinking of the Sea and how I could out do my Mentors Sea dumping.

I was watching the Discovery channel and heard the Sea described 'as a massive Carbon sink'. It may not mean anything to you yet but its the center piece of my action plan.

The beauty about Carbon is that it keeps things looking good and most importantly in one piece. Everything has Carbon in but it, especially poo. What am I going on about? Well, in a nutshell im hoping to create a pure carbon dump that will one day change history.

The basic plan is to hammer a diet of pure meat and eggs, these ingredients mixed with my stomach acid should produce a near perfect carbon poo.. The only other thing on this earth with as much carbon as my turd's are diamonds... That’s right, I’m creating a diamond poo..

The diet part is easy, here is the tricky bit: The average depth of the Sea is about 4000m (2 1/2 miles). The turd will only keep in mint condition if I can get it to settle on the floor of the ocean, the oceans floor is a minefield of Carbon and will keep my turd looking glorious.

I have done the maths and even with a 2kg poo the little shit will take about 20 minutes to reach its target.

I had not taken into consideration that about 25% of my turd will be eaten on its way to the bottom of the sea, therefore to counteract this I am now eating 8kg's of Steak a day along with 15 eggs.

Once the poo has been deployed I will be suiting up in a wet suit and following my diamond down for the first couple of hundred feet, and Yes I will be armed with a harpoon in case any one has any ideas...

To be continued...